I am sad today. At same time, happy that I am chosing to try something new. A few new things actually. Today, I am stopping trying and just observing. I am going to see what happens when I stop doing all the work. When I stop being the funny girl. When I stop trying to shrink and contort to be .... well... chosen. It's embarrassing , but I am pretty sure I am not the first middle-aged lady to have fallen into the same trap.
Lately, I haven't been impressed by how I am being treated. It's not good enough.
I have found myself in a cycle that is on constant repeat. And, the trap, it's me. I am the trap. I am also in the trap. Both. The problem here, I keep letting it happen again and again when there has been no proof of investment in me at all. None in a very, very long time. All I have to show for this relationship is blame.
In fact, I am not even in a real relationship. I am in a non-relationship of 16 years. For what. A person who doesn't even act like I am real. A person who can't tell me how they feel. A person who doesn't appear to care about me in a way beyond, s'up.
On text.
Yes. On text.
We don't really use any modern tech to talk beyond our nubs.
The only thing that has been communicated to me clearly: I am too busy for you, I have other priorities, I am not a pillar in your life, I am not even in your life.
So. I stop.
Today, I also am stopping staying in my house waiting for something to happen. Today. I have chosen to make something new happen. I am going out to dinner with a group of single strangers tonight.
Intent: meet some nice people. Maybe find someone who has time and is curious about me, my life, and my fascination with Willow trees and water.
